People are often suprised that a punk would read the Bible, but why shouldn't I? If you think about it, Jesus was kind of like the first punk. He was certainly 'anti-establishment'! And I think he put eggs in his hair to style it.I've read the Bible loads of times now - when I finish it, I just go back to the beginning (except I always skip Genesis because I don't want to read about STUPID PROG). I keep my place with my Peter and the Test Tube Babies bookmark, which I don't think is sacreligous because I don't think Peter and the Test Tube Babies can have really been test tube babies. Test tube babies weren't invented (by the Devil) until 1978!
My favourite character in the Bible (apart from Jesus!) is definitely Jonah. Can you imagine playing a gig inside a whale's stomach? Everyone would be totally throwing up because of the smell of planktons, and the mosh pit would be all full of sick and planktons, and everyone would be all sliding around in the sick and planktons.
Test tube babies are evil, of course, but if I met one, I think I would pity it, because it's not really its fault it's a test tube baby, is it? Though if it tried to touch me and put Satan's germs on me, I'd smash its tube with my RIGHTEOUS FIST and leave it to suffocate.
I believe in miracles. I was praying really hard to Jesus once with my eyes tight shut like you're meant to but then I sneezed and I couldn't help opening my eyes and I accidentally looked up at my poster of Jesus and he winked at me! I swear. And EXACTLY forty days forty nights later, I won a Rancid single on eBay. I don't believe Teg turned water into cider that time, though.
I'm saving up for a lamb because it's the pet that Jesus would have. It's going to be a punk lamb as well as a Christian one, of course! I've already made a little nappy for it out of a bin bag, which is punk AND practical.
You'd think they wouldn't let me in a church looking like this, but they do! Reverend Booth is completely fine with it, though he does frown a bit when I spit in the font.
Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef seemed like a bit of a gimmick when he swooped silently onto the nation's screens in 2005. But 12 BAFTAs, ten bestselling books, nine cookwear ranges and five mysterious TV chef assassinations later, it's clear he's here to stay. But what is Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef's secret? Let's have a look at his recipe (!) for success.
1. Apron
The badge of tradition and competence.
2. Simple dishes
No-one likes time-consuming recipes with dozens of ingredients. Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef says: why not just stick some raw food on a plate?
3. Sticky-out tongue plus ninja knife
For 'edge'.
4. Wings
Virtuous, but also a little kinky. They can be a fire hazard when Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef is cooking with gas, although paradoxically they can be used to put fires out if flapped rapidly.
5. Rubber gloves
Everyone wears rubber gloves on TV - even Wogan - because of the rays from the cameras. The great thing about cookery shows is you don't have to hide them with make-up.
I became Stockport's Strongest Man by ripping a telephone in half. It's a difficult thing to practice, because people generally like to keep their phones in one piece. But my brother works at BT and they have this place that is basically a graveyard of old phones. He'd let me in at night so I could train. It was pretty spooky - heaps and heaps of dusty old phones, all lit by flickering torches - and I was always thinking, what if one of them rings? Should I answer it? What if it's a ghost? You just have to be disciplined and get on with it, really. Thinking like that gets you nowhere.I do feel I have a responsibility to be a good role model for the kids. I recently starred in an advertising campaign designed to stop children squashing spiders in the Granada area. It shows me shaking hands with a spider, proving that we can all get along if we just set aside our differences.
I wear these banana-coloured swimming trunks everywhere I go. Even when I met the Mayoress of Cheshire! She didn't seem to mind, though she did put some newspaper down on my chair. People think I wear them to show off my physique, but actually it's because I lost the key to my locker at the Grand Central Pools.
I'm not actually sure if spiders have hands. I think it's only monkeys that have hands, isn't it? Apart from us, I mean. Monkeys and koala bears - I'm sure I've seen a koala bear sucking its thumb.
You can see that I'm not actually lifting up these two girls in the picture. But if I was taller, they would definitely be hanging above the ground by the power of my biceps alone. I wonder if one of them will lend me their socks?
"This was one of the few truly happy moments we ever had, Gemma and I. We were trying to make a salad - Christ knows why, I think it must have been when that detective show was really popular. You know, the one with the lettuce. Inspector Iceberg. Brilliant stuff.
"Anyway, after about three hours you can see that we'd got as far as slicing a pepper in half, and chopping the end off a cucumber, and we stopped and looked at each other and thought, 'We're doing pretty well, aren't we?' And so we rewarded ourselves with a little drink.
"I'm not sure who took the photo. I'd say Gemma, but I don't think it can be her, because there she is sitting next to me. And it can't be me, I wouldn't know what to do with a camera. I'd just smash it.
"It's a mystery, it really is.
"It looks great, doesn't it, those tomatoes and the glass with leaves in it and everything, but we didn't get any further with making that salad. We just drank and drank and drank - that cupboard behind Gemma would have been basically stuffed with wine - and then we were sick, side by side, into those two sinks. We laughed together then, through the sick, because we'd always wondered what anyone could possibly want with two sinks in a kitchen.
"Shit, is that a fish slice hanging above my head? So that's where it got to!"
#356,095: Standing with newspaper and briefcase at the same time
