Hamilton and I

Hello! It's me, top vet Andrew Mersh. Here I am with a poorly dog, Hamilton.

Now, Hamilton might look like a perfectly healthy specimen of a dog to you, what with his shiny nose, meaty tongue and 'can do' expression. But if you look at him through the clear, blue eyes of a vet, like I do, then you'll notice something wrong. Can't see it? Then look at my fingers. That's right, my fingers are actually going right in to Hamilton's body. Like carrot sticks into humous! The explanation is that Hamilton is a dog with the hysterical belief that he is a ghost.

Obviously, any idiot can see that this state of affairs is no good for a dog, but being a vet means I can do something about it, apart from just crying and fetching a shovel. Non-vets can get a clue as to what I am going to do about it by noting the colour of the backdrop against which Hamilton and I have been so carefully photographed. Yes, it is blue. Blue is not only a restful colour to a hysterical hound, it is also invisible to video cameras. If I videotape Hamilton against a blue background, the computer inside the video camera will not be able to 'see' the blue and will fill in the missing areas with whatever I tell it to. By clever editing, I can make it look like Hamilton, rather than being in a small blue cell 30 stories below my office is actually enjoying a day at the seaside, or a visit to the Berlin Katakombe club in 1931. By choosing the right scenario, I should be able to distract Hamilton long enough for him to forget that he believes he is a ghost. Thereby curing him!

I'm wasted on animals, really I am.