Doctors & Doctoring #2
Hello! It's me again, Dr Duncan Chambourcy, with another exclusive extract from Doctors & Doctoring, my standard text book for doctors across the world.
I've just got back from the wounded astronaut ward - God, those guys are heroes - and guess what I saw there? Only the fattest germ ever discovered.
It seems that during the recent construction works (I'm having a jacuzzi installed in my consulting room - I think it'll be very relaxing for me and my patients) a waste pipe from the kitchen got accidentally re-routed into one of the ventilation ducts above Major Skythwaite's bed. Major Skythwaite has a bad case of space 'flu, and it looks like one of the germs he coughed out - probably all mutated from cosmic rays - has been sitting in the duct for days, gorging itself on all the potato peelings from the kitchen. It grew so big that it fell through the ceiling! It's too huge and fat that it can't infect anyone, thankfully, although the Major's nephew, who was visiting at the time, is quite badly concussed.
It looks like the germ might make it into the Guinness Book of Records, so we're all pretty excited!
Still can't work out what that X-ray is. Have I even been holding it the right way up all these years, I wonder? Should I turn it around? Hmmm.
Time for another educational extract from Doctors & Doctoring.
Chapter Nine: Dealing with children
Every doctor's heart sinks when she looks up and sees a child sitting on the treatment stool. Children's bodies, biologically speaking, aren't even finished yet and so it can seem futile to heal, say, a broken lung that's just going to 'slough out' and regrow several times before Christmas anyway. But on the positive side, children will eat up any old pills you've got lying about the place, especially if you serve them in Smarties tubes.
When treating children the first thing to remember is: give them a good sticker. Medicine isn't really designed to work on children (genetically, children are more closely related to sea slugs than to humans), but a good sticker administered after a long and probably pointless bout of treatment seems to do them the world of good.
Most doctors design and print their own stickers - that's what the fifth and sixth years of medical school are for, after all - but here are some suggestions for appropriate sticker slogans in case you get stuck:
I've just got back from the wounded astronaut ward - God, those guys are heroes - and guess what I saw there? Only the fattest germ ever discovered.
It seems that during the recent construction works (I'm having a jacuzzi installed in my consulting room - I think it'll be very relaxing for me and my patients) a waste pipe from the kitchen got accidentally re-routed into one of the ventilation ducts above Major Skythwaite's bed. Major Skythwaite has a bad case of space 'flu, and it looks like one of the germs he coughed out - probably all mutated from cosmic rays - has been sitting in the duct for days, gorging itself on all the potato peelings from the kitchen. It grew so big that it fell through the ceiling! It's too huge and fat that it can't infect anyone, thankfully, although the Major's nephew, who was visiting at the time, is quite badly concussed.
It looks like the germ might make it into the Guinness Book of Records, so we're all pretty excited!
Still can't work out what that X-ray is. Have I even been holding it the right way up all these years, I wonder? Should I turn it around? Hmmm.
Time for another educational extract from Doctors & Doctoring.
Chapter Nine: Dealing with children
Every doctor's heart sinks when she looks up and sees a child sitting on the treatment stool. Children's bodies, biologically speaking, aren't even finished yet and so it can seem futile to heal, say, a broken lung that's just going to 'slough out' and regrow several times before Christmas anyway. But on the positive side, children will eat up any old pills you've got lying about the place, especially if you serve them in Smarties tubes.
When treating children the first thing to remember is: give them a good sticker. Medicine isn't really designed to work on children (genetically, children are more closely related to sea slugs than to humans), but a good sticker administered after a long and probably pointless bout of treatment seems to do them the world of good.
Most doctors design and print their own stickers - that's what the fifth and sixth years of medical school are for, after all - but here are some suggestions for appropriate sticker slogans in case you get stuck:
- The Only Nits You'll Find Are Ghosts!
- When I Can Spell 'Anaesthetic', I Can Have Some
- Alan The Lion Says He Could Eat His Tea Off My Retinas
- Eight Toes Is Enough
- If It's In A Jar, I Can't Play With It
- I Was Brave In The Gamma Helmet
- My New Blood Is Fizzy!
A child takes control of a stethoscope. As a doctor, this is probably the most dangerous situation
you will ever be in. This doctor was lucky, though he never spoke again.
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