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Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef seemed like a bit of a gimmick when he swooped silently onto the nation's screens in 2005. But 12 BAFTAs, ten bestselling books, nine cookwear ranges and five mysterious TV chef assassinations later, it's clear he's here to stay. But what is Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef's secret? Let's have a look at his recipe (!) for success.
1. Apron
The badge of tradition and competence.
2. Simple dishes
No-one likes time-consuming recipes with dozens of ingredients. Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef says: why not just stick some raw food on a plate?
3. Sticky-out tongue plus ninja knife
For 'edge'.
4. Wings
Virtuous, but also a little kinky. They can be a fire hazard when Cheeky Ninja Angel Chef is cooking with gas, although paradoxically they can be used to put fires out if flapped rapidly.
5. Rubber gloves
Everyone wears rubber gloves on TV - even Wogan - because of the rays from the cameras. The great thing about cookery shows is you don't have to hide them with make-up.
"This was one of the few truly happy moments we ever had, Gemma and I. We were trying to make a salad - Christ knows why, I think it must have been when that detective show was really popular. You know, the one with the lettuce. Inspector Iceberg. Brilliant stuff.
"Anyway, after about three hours you can see that we'd got as far as slicing a pepper in half, and chopping the end off a cucumber, and we stopped and looked at each other and thought, 'We're doing pretty well, aren't we?' And so we rewarded ourselves with a little drink.
"I'm not sure who took the photo. I'd say Gemma, but I don't think it can be her, because there she is sitting next to me. And it can't be me, I wouldn't know what to do with a camera. I'd just smash it.
"It's a mystery, it really is.
"It looks great, doesn't it, those tomatoes and the glass with leaves in it and everything, but we didn't get any further with making that salad. We just drank and drank and drank - that cupboard behind Gemma would have been basically stuffed with wine - and then we were sick, side by side, into those two sinks. We laughed together then, through the sick, because we'd always wondered what anyone could possibly want with two sinks in a kitchen.
"Shit, is that a fish slice hanging above my head? So that's where it got to!"
"I remember when this photo was taken. Kenny's wearing his captain's hat, so he must have been in the Navy for at least five years. Shore leave was always a special time. You can see he's on the verge of nodding off - no doubt he'd been drinking and whoring for at least 48 hours straight before he finally showed his face at home!"That's one of Dad's spells that he's showing us on the scroll. They never really worked too well. All day long he'd be in his alchemical laboratory, grinding up wasps, boiling our milk teeth in soy sauce. A lot of noise and smells were produced, but never that golden SNES. Although invariably the day's potion would become 'dinner' - that was one piece of magic that did work, I suppose.
"Look at me pushing my hair back. This was before Alice bands, of course.
"I remember that sweater of Dad's, too. When Mum would come back from work and scream at him for spending all the housekeeping on iron filings, he'd just stand there in the kitchen and slowly roll up that polo neck, right up over his face. You could see the circles of his glasses poking through. I think he genuinely believed he was invisible.
"I'm going to burn this photo now, if that's all right with you."
Oh, hello! You've just caught me serenading some colourful eggs in a hat. O, eggs all colours of the rainbow
From what kind of bird come ye?
I'm not a doctor so I don't know
If you're safe to eat for my tea
I'm guessing the eggs were laid by quite a lazy bird, otherwise it would have built its own nest out of hair, sawdust etc. rather than just using a hat it found on the floor.
But then again, maybe it takes a very clever bird to recognise that a hat is a ready-made nest. It might even have had to turn the hat upside down.
Hm.
Maybe if I sing to the eggs for a little longer, the sweet sounds of my music will entice whatever's inside to hatch out like feathery miracles!
O, eggs all colours of the rainbow
Please set your prisoners free!
Even if they're tasty space crows
I promise not to eat them for my tea
Can you boil water in a hat?
Her: We've been shaking hands for about ten minutes now. Has he even taken a photo yet?
Him: I think I heard a click.
Her: That was my knuckle.
Him: Ah.
Her: You know, we've been shaking hands for so long, I don't think I can tell where my body ends and yours begins.
Him: Really? I feel that too!
Her: Yes. I've been waiting for that feeling all my life.
Him: Me too!
Her: I never thought I'd first experience that feeling during a photo shoot for images designed to illustrate key stages in the flowcycle of a corporate contract schedule, though.
Him: No. But that doesn't make it any less romantic!
Her: Well... well, it kind of does.
Him: It does?
Her: Seventy-three per cent less romantic. I can clearly picture a pie chart saying so.
Him: Oh.
Her: I don't think that I'd be able to picture a pie chart in a more romantic situation.
Him: I suppose not.
Time passes.
Him: Did you just..?
Her: Yes. Sorry.
Him: No, don't apologise ... It's nice.
Him: I think I heard a click.
Her: That was my knuckle.
Him: Ah.
Her: You know, we've been shaking hands for so long, I don't think I can tell where my body ends and yours begins.
Him: Really? I feel that too!
Her: Yes. I've been waiting for that feeling all my life.
Him: Me too!
Her: I never thought I'd first experience that feeling during a photo shoot for images designed to illustrate key stages in the flowcycle of a corporate contract schedule, though.
Him: No. But that doesn't make it any less romantic!
Her: Well... well, it kind of does.
Him: It does?
Her: Seventy-three per cent less romantic. I can clearly picture a pie chart saying so.
Him: Oh.
Her: I don't think that I'd be able to picture a pie chart in a more romantic situation.
Him: I suppose not.
Time passes.
Him: Did you just..?
Her: Yes. Sorry.
Him: No, don't apologise ... It's nice.
Their Royal Highnesses King Gavin and Queen Carla of Tofflitania may look happy and radiant in this photograph, but the story behind it is a sad one. Fleeing a coup, the noble pair were en route to a secret tower in the midst of Goo Swamp where they hoped to wait out the political turmoil for nine years, after which time they could probably just about produce an heir without social workers becoming involved.
Of course, as any student of Tofflitanian history knows, the fine-looking horse on which they made their escape was actually a quisling steed comprised of a couple of mercenaries in the pay of Bad Prince Larry. The wicked duo's disguise was so realistic and compelling that the King and Queen quickly grew to love and trust the fake animal, which they named Thunderthighs. In fact, they trusted Thunderthighs so much that they made neither fuss nor protest as their mount carried them, at a gentle canter, across a stony beach and into the sea. Once the regal children were safely drowned, the treacherous rebels sloughed off their disguise, changed into scuba gear and made for the coast of the newborn republic.
This famous image, taken in a photobooth at a café in Goo Swamp, is to be used on the new €10 note from 2009.
